Thoughts on Myself

A couple of days ago, I became very angry. Very, very angry. Full of regret, and sadness, I felt like no one in the world could ever get near to understanding the flooding emotions that drowned me over the course of a couple of minutes, and the worse part is that I wasn’t sure why.
It was the worse feeling ever, and at that moment, I decided that I wanted to change. Delete EVERYTHING about me and then replace it with an ideal me.
I wanted to be someone who didn’t complain, who didn’t care about other’s possible negative thoughts about me, someone who didn’t criticize others, and who lived life freely because life is meant to be lived.
I felt much better after a couple more minutes, but I had decided to not go back to the old me.
The next morning, when I woke up, I felt so confused. I wanted to be someone else, not a specific person, to be myself but with a couple of tweaks. At the same time, I couldn’t. It sounds easy to delete the old me and create a new me like a new user on a computer, but I tried, and I tried, and then I realized something.
I came to the realization that most of my actions are based on habits, which I have repeated for a long time. You know how people say that habits are hard to break? Well, they are! Mostly bad ones, but I still believe that I should break all those bad habits which chain me to a very negative perspective.
Here is my plan: I will get rid of all my bad habits, slowly and steadily. Then I will learn to love me for who I am, maybe I should learn to love myself now, as I am, I don’t know if I’m doing what I’m supposed to do, or what is best, so, has anyone had a similar experience? Maybe I should learn from my actions, but any contribution will be very appreciated.
Thanks, and may all of you enjoy life.

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Thoughts: The Alchemist

Have you read “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho? If you haven’t, you definitely should, it has provably have been the book that has changed my life the most, and I haven’t even finished it yet!
I’m not going to spoil it, but I will talk about a personal legend. How we a all born with one, and it is in our instincts to fulfill it. Isn’t that beautiful?!
I think what makes me so happy about the possibility of having a personal legend,is that it gives some purpose to my life, that even when I don’t know what I want at the moment, maybe there is something inside of me that guides me to my ‘legend’ that does know what the real me wants.
I think that is really cool, because,even though it is a book written by a man, who maybe just came up with the idea of a ‘personal legend’, but it is something that I want to believe in. Because if it is true, then even in my darkest moments, when I am lost, or when I feel like I am ready to give up, there is that drive inside of me that will lead me to my personal legend. Even if the destination isn’t at a grandiose place, where I end up a millionaire, and I get all of the chocolate that I desire, it is comforting for me to believe that I, even if I don’t know it/ feel like it, know what I am supposed to do.
I like the idea of omens too, but I’m not so sure if I believe in them, because the Shepard boy in the book sees many omens, but they are just regular things. I think that I would be a bit more skeptical, but who knows. Those are just my thoughts on “The Alchemist”, before I finish the book, maybe I will write more after I finish the book.

Thoughts: Messy Thoughts on My Dull Life

It seems like I have been paying too much attention to what I will do once I get a chance to do them. I stay up at night daydreaming (or more like, nightdreaming, hahaha) about impossible adventures, explorations of Atlantis, being the first human to live enough lives to impress anyone and everyone.
It’s pretty entertaining, actually, but when daydreaming makes your current life seem so incredibly dull, that you think that if you can’t be like your perfect self, then you can’t be anyone you like, then you begin reconsidering whether excessive daydreaming is a good thing.
I could also be exploring, I could take a walk, I could go out and talk to a stranger, learn his story, but instead I decide to stay here and blog my messy thoughts.
I often complain about how quiet, dull, and boring my life is, but it’s not that bad. Once you think about it, everyone’s life is an adventure itself, we just haven’t lived other’s lives.
For example, I look outside the window, and what do I see?
I see a small park, a couple of big trees, quite some grass, and some bushes and flowers. It’s pretty, neat, and alive. What do you see?
What did you do today? How does it compare with what I did?
I woke up, I ate breakfast, I used the computer, I helped my mom clean, I ate lunch, I went to the gym, and now I’m here.
Well, this was a weird post, but maybe you get what I’m trying to say.

Thought: Being Someone Else and Assumptions

I am currently sitting on my floor, leaning on the side of my brown couch. The TV is on, A Haunted is on, but I am not watching, I just like the sound. The air conditioner keeps the house really cold, I like the feeling or air in between my toes. I have had a good,relaxing day.
Why am I telling you all of this? That’s the same question I am asking myself right now.
I think I am telling you all my thoughts, so you can compare them with your life at the moment.
Sometimes I just assume what people are thinking, or whether people remember me, or whether people think as I do.
And here is the thing, I don’t know what it is to be another person, if I have been another person in a past life or whatever, I don’t know. However, I do know right know that I shouldn’t just assume things about people because there is no way that I could know enough about a person to assume things about them.
What makes us assume things?
At least for me, I assume things based on the need to know. To know things about that stranger who glanced at me while I crossed the street.
What was he thinking about when he looked at me? Does he think I walk funny? Do I have something on my face? Do I know him? Was he even looking at me?!
And I am not saying that assuming things is a bad thing, however, when most of the things that you assume are negative, then you can end up making a wrong judgement, or hurting yourself.
That’s it, the thought for today.

Thought: Back to School

Sigh, it’s that time of the year again. Back to school time. I actually love going back to school, the rush you get when you find out about your new schedule, your new teachers, when you see who you will learn along with, and the smell of new school supplies. However, I also remember the stress, how irritated I become as time passes, and the anger I tend to develop.
I might just be focussing only on the dark aspects of school, but maybe it’s because those are the sides that really bother me. I think school is ok, you learn stuff, you interact with people maybe you wouldn’t on your own, but there is also a frustrating aspect towards it.
I only have one more year of high school to go, and then I am off to college. I always end up thinking a lot about college, and the future, and life. This isn’t always good as it leads to anxiety about how short or how long life is, depending on my mood.
I really hope this year is a good one.

Food: Chocolate Vegan “Ice Cream”

I like to eat. A lot.
Preparing food makes me feel good, even if I am not the best cook, I tend to be a pretty bad baker, but I blame it on the oven 😉
I have a tremendous sweet tooth, I could provably eat sugary treats all say long if it wasn’t unhealthy.
A couple of weeks ago I stumbled upon a great idea while I looked for a sweet, healthy-ish dessert. I found…ICE CREAM. Well, not really ice cream because it isn’t made with cream, but it is cold and it does have the texture and feel of ice cream, plus it’s a lot healthier. So I looked for a recipe on line and I tweaked it a bit and here is what I got.

Ultra Chocolate Banana ‘Ice Cream’

What you’ll need:
3 frozen bananas
2 tablespoons of cocoa powder
2 teaspoons of peanut butter (well, I added ” Just Great Stuff Powdered Organic Peanut Butter” which has 90% less fat than regular peanut butter, and I added so little it barely has the peanut butter taste, but if you like the peanut buttery taste, then add more)
1/3 cup of almond milk (I used chocolate almond milk, I actually just added a bit of sugar and cocoa powder to regular almond milk for an extra chocolatey twist)
1/2 teaspoon of vanilla extract
A blender (I own the ‘Ninja’ blender because I don’t have a ‘Vitamix’, but a blender that can mix frozen bananas and leave them smooth will work too)
1/4 cup of rushed almonds for garnish and crunch

What You Do:
Put the bananas, almond milk, and vanilla extract to the blender and blend until smooth.
Add the cocoa and the peanut butter slowly if possible (I added the dry incidents really fast and it made a powdery mess in the blender, so let’s learn from my mistake)
You now have a smooth, soft-serve like sweet, cold concoction of delight! (If you like your ice cream harder, then you can either add more bananas, add less liquid, or put in the freezer for a couple of hours)
You are done!
Unless you are using almonds, then you would let the ice cream harden a bit more, and then dump the almonds on the top and then it will harden on top and look beautiful and taste crunchy.
Now, you are done! If you tried it, tell me how it went, I just wanted to share this recipe with you!

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Thoughts: The Villain Inside of Me

Once in a while, a situation will make me so uncomfortable, or sad, or angry, that it makes me wonder when will my inner villain burst through me?
I am not sure if this is because my life revolves around movies, books and other forms of telling stories, where there is sure to be a hero, so there must be a villain.
I am pretty sure it isn’t good to feel like this, not the emotions part, but the fact that all of these emotions arise due to self-pity.
It all starts with a feeling, and this leads to a realization that life is not fair, mostly my life, and then I picture myself as a movie villain, with the costume and the exploding cars and buildings in the distance, the whole thing. Then I realize that I am just being silly. And then there are other times that I feel like I will eventually crack, and its not going to be pretty. But don’t worry, I will control myself.
If everyone actually acted upon their first and most impulsive feelings/ reactions, I don’t think this would be the same world that we are living in.
I just thought I’d share this,because in some way I find it hilarious.
Does anyone else do this, or something like this? Maybe it is normal, and most people feel it, but no one wants to talk about it. :O

Thoughts: The Comfortable Life

I am lucky to live in a great place.

I live in Southern California, where there weather ranges from being cool-ish to being hot-ish. We have fruits and vegetables of almost every kind year long. We have beaches, forests, mountains, and deserts. What is not to love about here? I am going to say that I don’t like this place, but it seems to be a little too good to be true. The people are always happy, the weather is always nice, friendly faces everywhere.

Pretty California Mission

Beautiful colors everywhere

Beautiful colors everywhere

Those cows look so happy

Those cows look so happy

I really loved it here, everywhere you looked you wanted to snap pictures.

I really loved it here, everywhere you looked you wanted to snap pictures.

I seem to become bored so easily with this place.  Actually, I am really happy here.

I pass time dreaming about having Indiana Jones style adventures, or putting myself in an uncomfortable situation, only to make it better?

I am grateful of living here, I just also wish that I could see the rest of the world before I embrace the idea that the best life to live is the sheltered, comfortable one.

I also read these awesome stories of people who gave up their comfortable lifestyles to go into less developed countries, to help other that are less fortunate, and that is what I really want to do.

Hmm, and then the question that arises is, will I be patient enough to go through High School, college, and Medical School (if I make it)?

Well, the future will tell. But in the mean time, I need to be more grateful about living in such a pretty place.

My Problem with Food

I guess most people have had problems with food.
In my family, it seems as if we have problems controlling our portions, or sometimes the quality of food we eat. This is something that has led my parents to have some physical issues, and sadly, my ten year old brother has been a victim of the vicious cycle that is gaining a ridiculous amount of weight, and then losing it, and then gaining it again.
When I was younger, and I lived in Mexico, there were many temptations, and I was overweight. Living next door to my grandparents and in a street with local food stores everywhere, I remember spending a large amount of my childhood eating.
In my family, thin people tend to be more, hmm, “liked”/”admired”, and this is why I remember learning tips about how to lose weight since I was in kindergarten. I would spend the hot afternoons doing laps around my house and drinking lots of water in order to lose weight, which was a weight loss tip that I heard in the radio, and let me tell you something, a seven year old shouldn’t spend her time worrying about how many calories she is eating. Eventually, I did loose weight, and I became more confident, and that is how the first food/ diet crisis of my life was over. I don’t remember feeling bad about eating, yet I do remember watching my mom take weight loss pill before every meal and discuss diet tips with my aunts, but I didn’t get involved in these conversations, as they didn’t seem to grab my attention anymore.
I moved to the US when I was ten years old and I began feeling self conscious again, looking at the strange new people, blond, thin, blue eyes girls made me feel a bit jealous, I was chubby, I did no sports, I didn’t even speak English, and now, another battle began. Thankfully this one passed quickly, I began running and I felt better.
In middle school I lost a lot of weight, and in high school, I felt like a failure when I compared my body to the bodies of my slimmer peers, not realizing that we had completely different body structures.
I decided to become a vegetarian. To be honest, I had thought a lot about this, could I really give up meat? Now I know that I can, and I am happier than ever. I’m not sure if it is because I don’t feel guilty about eating because I don’t eat anymore animals, or because being a vegetarian has made me feel like I can do anything.
I wrote this, with a different purpose that I will save for a different entry, but I tell myself that I can eat a slice of cheesecake without guilt be because after all food is food, and you should enjoy it while you can. This doesn’t seem to tie together, I think I ended up mixing a bunch of different ideas, but oh well!