I have a lot of thoughts in my head now that I have time to think. I hope that with this personal rant, I can move on. I do not want any pity, I do not want to feel bad for myself, I do not want any of this to affect me later on in life. I wasn’t sure if I should post this, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter, does it? All of this could be in my head and I couldn’t have a clue about it.
ARRGGGHHHH I hate how some people are assigned as “gifted and talented”. Everyone is gifted and talented. I have gone through life with ease, taking the hardest classes, understanding assignments, helping others, surviving in a new country that hated me but I greatly dislike labels. I have been told to be “advanced”/”above average”/ mature/smart, etc. But do you know how much this affects others around me?? My brother was taught by a teacher that did not challenge him, and now he is failing the most simple classes, where before, we were academically equal. I feel as though part of it is because I was put into “honors” classes, and he wasnt. I hate this. I like being smart, what I do not like is that the put others down. My academic achievements are the only things that I have; my intelligence is the only aspect of my identity. I am only smart. I am nothing else. I can’t help but compare myself to people who surround me. I will never succeed as a doctor since I am not smarter than anyone else I want to help, I want to be successful, I want others to be successful. How can I do this in this cutthroat world?!! I am tired of competing, I just want to live in harmony. Will I only find harmony when I am dead? What is the purpose of being alive if I can only be in peace when I am ashes, or seven feet underground? I am tired of all of this. I just wanted to be special. I read that the alphas often have the less stress. I want to be at the top of my own little world, but even my mind tells me that someone else is better than me at being me! I want to have a high self esteem, but when I see only pretty girls being liked, only geniuses succeeding, only those who have the loud and aggressive voice being heard, I just want to dissolve in a million pieces and never emerge from this state of being. I honestly don’t like having time. I want to be forever busy, I can stop the thoughts from killing me slowly. I want to end, but I want to go on. This world, that motivates me to fight for my dreams, tells me to stay quiet and conform. I am me, but who am I if the best of me is someone else?
Many of the people who are on wordpress tend to be older than the I am. So my struggles might seem different and also less important than those of others who struggle with raising a child, or that are going through a mid-life crisis, but is there such a thing as a quarter-life crisis?
Getting to be someone in this world is quite a decision to make; at eighteen you are expected to know what you want to do with your life, yet in a manner that helps others, but is also pleasing. I find this decision to be incredibly difficult, since a college major can have a huge impact in your life; I want to be a doctor, but the reality is that not all people are able to reach that position. I was thinking about what I wanted to major in: biology, biochemistry, public health sciences, psychology, anthropology… those are all interesting majors, but which one will really get me somewhere if I do not make it into med school.
Why do I even worry about this, sometimes I look back and I realize that I’ve spent many hours thinking about my future instead of living in my present. I hope that I know what is the right path for me before it is too late to turn back
I like to rant in an unorganized manner:
I love old people, I mean that I really appreciate elderly people, or just people with experiences.
You see, my grandmother came to visit us and was I blown away by her wisdom!
I have spent less than two decades on this Earth, and I feel like I’ve absorbed tons of information and knowledge, and I hope I continue to do so. With knowledge comes power, and it is not that I am a power hungry person, but I do like to know things; I think that might be why I like reading survival stories, or learning useful skills, as well as other types of information. I also adore stories; since I can’t live a thousand lives (and be fully aware of it, maybe), I like to read about them, or be told about them. This might explain why I love blogs, and reading biographies.
Anyways, I really learned a great deal of things within the two days that my grandmother spent with us. From the happiness and the hardships of childhood in her small town, to the really dramatic difficulties, and tough decisions that she had to go through in order to be where she is now. I really think that all people should be cherished, but I believe that sometimes we tend to forget about older people.
They are some of the most valuable members of society, in my opinion. Yes, everyone is important; children are the future, working people are improving life as I type this; however, old people, they were the future once, they worked hard to be where they are right now, they have lived through adventures, hardships, emotions, great incidents, regular incidents, etc. And I feel like sometimes, in a society that is eager to move on and is always on a tight schedule, we tend to overlook these glorious beings. Of course, I am not saying that just because you are older, you must be glorified; however, if you have gone through life, you deserve to be listened.
It is great and very thought provoking.
Beautiful sky as we (family) were on our way to our hometown in Mexico.
The title makes it seem as if this is going to be a very deep post, but not really, its just about a little “adventure” I had the other day!
I mainly sit on the desk in my room the whole afternoon after I get home from school, I don’t complain, since it goes by really quickly ( I actually wish I had more hours to finish my homework and study), and also because I have a great view from the window I face. It’s quite beautiful, we have an entrance to a hill and some wooden steps carved into the green dirt, oh, but the sky. I guess I hadn’t noticed it, but every afternoon I get to see the beautiful sky as it puts on its afternoon gown to greet us goodbye for the day, and to introduce us to the sparkling beautiful sky. Well, I went up to take some pictures, and then I decided to climb the hill. My brother, who is one year younger than me, decided that he wanted to come with me, and thank goodness he did, and that he remembered our dad bought us some flashlights for “adventuring”, and on we went. On the way there, we saw the park, and we could see the high school clearly, since there was some sort of game going on. The sun was saying its last goodbye as we reached the top, and I had never been there, but his track team does all the time, so he was used to the view. Anyways, I was happily snapping pictures of the glowing town, and then I looked up and saw the beautiful stars and… STARS… soo, it dawned upon me that we were up in this hill with two head flashlights, no phones, on a hill rumored to be full of spiders and snakes, at night.
We proceeded to walk rapidly, mumbling to ourselves that this was really nothing to be afraid of, however, since we have been overprotected by our parents since birth and we were on a hill by ourselves, we thought we were going to die. As fear crawled into our brains, we began hearing noises, seeing snake skin that we hadn’t noticed on our way up there, and seeing every twig as a snake. We reached a less awkwardly-angled side of the path, and we saw a curious looking branch in the middle of the dirt, anndd it was big, and it had eyes…and I had never heard my brother scream so loud as when that little bird, blinded by our flashlights, flied confused into the night. From this point on, we decided to run home, and as we approached the gate to our backyard, we began realizing how contorted our minds had been for a couple of minutes.
It was very fun, and I realized a couple of things. First, adrenaline rushes are pretty much the best; provably not if you are fighting a lion or saving a baby from a burning house, even though that is what they make us do, they really lift your mood up and make you feel invincible for a while. I also realized that fear can twist the way you perceive things, we became scared sheep for a second on that hill as we ran away from the snakes that were definitely following us. My brother was convinced that little bird was a huge owl with red, fiery eyes. And finally, you don’t need to look far to find an adventure. I always tell my dad, that after I work for a couple of years, I will get enough money to travel and have a life full of adventures, but it never occurred to me, being a naive girl, that adventures don’t have to all involve finding the holy grail.
Life is unexpected.
I have had a hard time understanding “life”. Why are we alive? Why do we live the way we do? Is life worth the tears, the smiles, the anger?
The other day, my aunt’s boyfriend died in a car crash. Well, I did not know how to comfort her, but I did my best… whoa, life hits you like a cold bucket of water to the face, doesn’t it? This man, full of life, with a family, filled my aunt’s life with happiness, and now he isn’t here anymore…
We all die eventually, and at times this comment is a comfort, but at other times it is a frightening statement.
The other day I went to a retreat, from my church. If you have never been to a retreat, I will describe it. There are provably other sorts of retreats, beside church ones, but the essence of a retreat is meditation, a calm wave of emotions, a sanctuary where you can let your guards down and not be afraid of anything, because you feel safe, and open, and loved, and loving.
Whenever I go on retreats, I return with a calm feeling, like somehow a piece of “me” has been peeled off, like skin peels off, in order to reveal the same me, but a newer, better me. However, this feeling always leaves me after a couple of days after returning to regular life. The commotions, the noise, the stress, the angry people feed my own angry monster, and I become, sad and bitter. How I wish that I could keep that pure me, but I don’t know how!!!
Well, life is something that should be appreciated, because even if you think you are another person, not one person can pass through the world and not make an impact on someone else’s life. It is much better to live life in a clean manner, and not let other’s vibes affect you, unless they are positive ones. I don’t know anything, but I do know more than I knew before, and that is good.
I love you all
I haven’t posted in a long time because I have been busy with school, and homework, and watching movies, and taking care of my birds, but today I decided that I would post what I call a “thought stream”. A thought stream is basically where I just write a stream of thoughts that have circled through my mind, and that’s just that! So here is my thought stream:
This morning I was remembering something that according to me, happened a couple of days ago, and then I realized that what I was remembering didn’t happen, I had only dreamt it! This was pretty strange because, what if some of my memories are dreams? Then I studied for biology because I am having a biology review test on Wednesday. I actually should be studying, I only have trouble with cellular respiration and DNA replication, I will study after this. I had a really good lunch, I feel my belly full, and yet I want to eat something sweet. Sweetness is my debility. My mother is watching television and she has changed the channel three times because she doesn’t like it when cancer commercials appear. Yesterday I was reading about how drinking more than 4 cups of coffee a day increases the provability of cancer in women by 100% (compared to those who don’t drink coffee). This made me nervous because I like coffee, and my mom likes coffee, and I don’t want to get sick. Hahaha, that’s funny, I don’t think anyone wants to get sick.
Hmm, I wish I could go back to simpler times. Have I lived in simple times? I don’t even know.
I am taking a psychology class, and I think it is really interesting. We talked about the way communication is being affected by technological devices. I don’t know anything anymore
Well, that was depressing. I wish I was an optimist, can I jus become an optimist, just like that?
Hahaha, I hope I didn’t mess up your mood. I shall return with a more positive attitude, my friends!!