I have a lot of thoughts in my head now that I have time to think. I hope that with this personal rant, I can move on. I do not want any pity, I do not want to feel bad for myself, I do not want any of this to affect me later on in life. I wasn’t sure if I should post this, but in the end, it doesn’t really matter, does it? All of this could be in my head and I couldn’t have a clue about it.
ARRGGGHHHH I hate how some people are assigned as “gifted and talented”. Everyone is gifted and talented. I have gone through life with ease, taking the hardest classes, understanding assignments, helping others, surviving in a new country that hated me but I greatly dislike labels. I have been told to be “advanced”/”above average”/ mature/smart, etc. But do you know how much this affects others around me?? My brother was taught by a teacher that did not challenge him, and now he is failing the most simple classes, where before, we were academically equal. I feel as though part of it is because I was put into “honors” classes, and he wasnt. I hate this. I like being smart, what I do not like is that the put others down. My academic achievements are the only things that I have; my intelligence is the only aspect of my identity. I am only smart. I am nothing else. I can’t help but compare myself to people who surround me. I will never succeed as a doctor since I am not smarter than anyone else I want to help, I want to be successful, I want others to be successful. How can I do this in this cutthroat world?!! I am tired of competing, I just want to live in harmony. Will I only find harmony when I am dead? What is the purpose of being alive if I can only be in peace when I am ashes, or seven feet underground? I am tired of all of this. I just wanted to be special. I read that the alphas often have the less stress. I want to be at the top of my own little world, but even my mind tells me that someone else is better than me at being me! I want to have a high self esteem, but when I see only pretty girls being liked, only geniuses succeeding, only those who have the loud and aggressive voice being heard, I just want to dissolve in a million pieces and never emerge from this state of being. I honestly don’t like having time. I want to be forever busy, I can stop the thoughts from killing me slowly. I want to end, but I want to go on. This world, that motivates me to fight for my dreams, tells me to stay quiet and conform. I am me, but who am I if the best of me is someone else?